Vans Warped Tour Interview with Gwar’s Beefcake and Jizmack

The 23rd year of Vans Warped Tour rolled through Seattle last weekend.  On the bill was metal legends Gwar.  I got to sit down with Beefcake and Jizmack and discuss Warped Tour and a few other things. Now to the readers who don’t really know Gwar, this interview is pretty graphic with language and content. You have been warned. Now onto the interview.

Patrick Burt (YesterdazeNews): Hey guys, thanks for sitting down with me today.  So how are you both doing?

Beefcake: I’m miserable.  I missed catering.

Jizmack: Yeah! And the weather sucks!  It’s actually cool outside.  We’re from Antarctica and we’re freezing our balls off here.  We’ve been freezing for 30 million years and I wanted it to be like 110 degrees, and Seattle’s rainy and like 70 degrees.  It’s some sort of perfect weather or something for humans and we hate it.

Beefcake: Yeah, and all of these kids are of legal age.  We were told it was going to be otherwise.

Jizmack:  We don’t want kids of legal age.  We want to destroy the minds of the youth of this country!  The old people?  We don’t care about old people.

How do you guys feel about being on Warped Tour?  Also, how was your ride over here for it?

Beefcake: It was a long drive in our bat helicopter.

Jizmack:  I had my own bat helicopter this time so I didn’t have to share with anyone.

Beefcake:  Jet set Jizmack is what they call him.

Jizmack:  Yeah! it was a smooth ride no turbulence at all. Landed right in Seattle.  I think it was raining so much yesterday that I imagined that it was the other guys in my band just pissing down onto Seattle from the other bat helicopter.  That’s why it rained all day, just Beefcake and Blothar (lead vocalist) pissing all over Seattle.

Beefcake:  Blothar was actually crying because somebody took his snacks.

Oh what the fuck!? Who took his snacks?

Beefcake: It was me.  I took his snacks.

What did you take from him?

Beefcake:  Well there was baby, baby sandwiches, goat toast, testicle pate, embryo flambé, whore doveries (horderves) and fill it mignon.  I love fill it mignon.

So with how Warped Tour is, you get a lot of the young crowd.  What do you think they can expect from your performance? 

Jizmack: We don’t like to give away too many surprises you know?  I mean a Gwar show is not to be missed.  Everyone is looking forward to it, except us.  if you’re not at the mutant south stage at Warped Tour 2017 and you miss the spectacle that is Gwar you’re a dork.

Beefcake: We’re trying something new this year.  We’re doing all interpretive ballet.  In the nude.  So the kids are going to be very confused but we don’t care.  That’s what we want to do.  We’re broadening our artistic horizons.

Jizmack: The Warped Tour is great for having us but I think they are going to regret it after the first show.  We’re going to crush this place to the ground and set it on fire, it’s going to be excellent I can’t wait.  You won’t survive this interview that’s for sure.

Beefcake: I’ve already destroyed the outhouse.  It started early.

So you guys have a new album coming out.

Beefcake and Jizmack: We do?!

So far that’s what I have read on the internet, I don’t know if you guys were aware you had a new album coming out.

Beefcake: I wasn’t sure.  I’ve got a short memory.

Jizmack: We do, we have songs. We write songs and stuff so that we can gather human beings to these big blood orgies and theses big festivals where we kill you in mass.  So yeah there will be some new music coming out from Gwar.

Beefcake: we’re actually taking back music.  Instead of making new stuff we’re taking some of the old shit that sucks.

Jizmack: Yeah it’s a whole new departure for Gwar.

Beecake: We’re doing the opposite of what everyone else is doing right now. It’s why we’re so cutting edge.

Jizmack: That’s why we have been around for 30 million years and these other bands won’t even last the summer. I’m kind of excited from the new music.  We made sure to put in all of the right subliminal messages in it.  We got the little hypno sound wheel going off in the kids heads.  It’s going to be like crack for these kids.  We’re going to sell like 14 albums.  Are you excited Beefcake?

Beefcake: it’s going to be great I’m sure.  I can’t remember recording it but you know anything I do is amazing.  So stay tuned!

So have you guys taken (gets cut off)

Beefcake: LSD?!  Yeah, I took some.  Also had some ketamine.

Jizmack: That’s how you start.  That’s breakfast.

Beefcake: I also took some poppers to get loosened up.  You got to get loosened up before this shit.

Have the crackheads and crack dealers been good to you guys up here?

Jizmack: Seattle’s awesome. Seattle’s like number one in the crack kingdom.  I mean Portland’s running a close second.  You guys have all the shanti towns along the freeway.  It’s really east to score drugs and sex there.  So you know Gwar loves town’s like Seattle.  We’ve got great support here and great fan basis.  We can’t kill you off quick enough. We have been coming here a long time and we keep killing you and then we keep coming back.  We love it but we can’t wait to leave it though I’ll tell you that.

Beefcake: The problem here is the crack is all waterlogged because it never stops raining. It’s very depressing crack.  It’s why all the musicians who live up here kill themselves, because their crack gets wet and then they can’t smoke it you know?  And that’s just when you have to off yourself.

Alright so I am going to put three people who I know you guys despise and put them into a fuck, marry, kill scenario sound good?  (Editorial note: We do not support any type of violence toward women, this question is strictly satire with Gwar.  We would never suggest harming or violating anyone, female or male.)

Jizmack: It sounds good but I don’t know if it’s going to end well but it sounds okay.

Beefcake: Oh yeah, this sounds like fun.

We’re going to take Kathy Griffin, Anne Coulter, and Hillary Clinton.  You’ve got to fuck one, marry one, kill one. Who do you have?

Beefcake: Well I’m going to marry Hillary Clinton because she’s got a lot of money.  I’m going to kill Anne Coulter because she’s a cunt.  And I guess I’ll fuck Kathy Griffin because at least she likes to cut off Donald Trump’s head. She’s stealing our bit though! Get your own material!

Jizmack: I only fuck goats but I guess I would go in the opposite direction.  Take whatever he said and put it in reverse. Jizmack goes for the surprise bang.  you don’t get it normal. You don’t get coffee regular with Jizmack. Alright kid now I’ve gotta kill you!

Thank for your time Beefcake and Jizmack!